I spent a chilly autumnal Sunday evening a couple of week’s back attending the last date on Jordan Peterson’s world tour in Helsinki’s Kultturitalo. As it was father’s day in Finland that day, Dr Peterson centred his talk around what is means to be a good father. And as all questions have multi-layered, deep answers, that’s precisely what he gave us. Strap in, this goes out into the weeds for a while before coming home …
Face the day
When you first wake up in the morning, what are you faced by? Of course, your immediate environment. Your groggy mug in the bathroom mirror. Your partner if they are laying next to you. But what else?
Well, the day itself. The list of tasks and responsibilities that you have to tackle. This list is an entirely subjective creation - it’s yours to both compile and complete. Some days it’s an easy task to check everything off your list, some days are more daunting. That low-level anxiety you feel when faced with a particularly burdensome task is common to all of us. In fact, it’s part of our very biological make up.
Our hypothalamus is an ancient portion of our brain that regulates pretty much all of our base drives - hunger, thirst, excitement, fear, sexual arousal etc. If these portions of the brain are stimulated in any way, we find it next to impossible to focus on the drive that is governed by more than half of the total hypothalamus structure - the urge to explore. The fact that the urge to explore is such a deeply-embedded part of our psyches means it must be a huge driver for natural selection and competitive advantage.
And that it is. That anxiety you feel? That’s the potential - or the unknown (but attainable) future you could achieve by facing the day. There’s risk, for sure, but there’s also significant reward for facing that risk. The crazy thing is we’ve been listening to this story our whole lifetime.
Here be dragons
Ever think much about dragons? A dragon appears in the oldest story in the world, and dragon-like creatures saturate myths and religions across the globe. The weird thing, is they are all very similar to look at. Here’s why:
Wings equal birds of prey. As a monkey living in the trees (and descending onto the savannah), they posed a real threat to our ancestors. As did big cats - hence the face of the Chinese dragon and the paws of the Welsh Dragon. Scales and tails? That’s a snake. Fire-breathing? All animals are scared of the elemental force fire presents, and even if our particular strain of hominid is deeply fascinated by it and has mastered it to some degree - it has potential to burn even the most seasoned of handlers.
What do dragons do? Almost inevitably, they horde treasure and steal virgins, usually keeping both in a cave in the underworld. Sounds like a good time for a hero/knight to turn up and sort this situation out.
Let’s break this all down. Dragons represent predators and danger - the unknown potential in life and nature to kill and maim. They represent great risk. Tackling them means leaving the comfort of the world you know and descending into a netherworld of darkness and danger.
However, by doing so, those brave souls who conquer this beast receive great reward both in the form of riches and in the form of respect and desire from female partners. This last part sounds chauvinistic in 2018 - why do damsels needs rescuing?
Take one step away from the literal telling and think - what sort of partner would be attractive to you? Someone who stays firmly embedded in their comfort zone, shying away from danger and risk, but never growing both the ability to deal with adversity and the drive to provide? Or option B?
To be a father is…
So, in short, a good partner is someone who acknowledges the dangers that lie within the potential of the day, but steps forward with resolve to meet them head on and earn their reward. But what makes a good father? All of the above, with one crucial extra component.
Children also need to learn to face the day - to test their limits and push their boundaries, but in a controlled environment, a safe space in which they can earn the bumps and bruises they need to toughen up for the world outside.
The trick is to balance this protective, loving instinct with the rough and tumble all children need to test themselves in comparison both to their peers and to their adults. If you can provide a sandbox where kids can play out the dramas of adult life in a controlled, safe way on their scale - you will indeed have become a good father.
A bit outside of my normal content, I know. However, there’s a hefty chunk of the Hero’s Journey thrown into the mix here, and the explanation of the origins of dragons was just too good not to share.